Tag Archives: 1/5

Heavy Metal 1/5

Quite tiresome movie which I actually saw in the cinema the first time around, and kind of remembered fondly as a goofy cartoon with decent music, but this time around I found the terrible animation and mostly poor early 70s rock music just a grating experience. The only sections I liked were the story about the taxi driver, and the bomber crew/zombie story. The rest are just boring and embarrassing. It felt like pornography for 12 year olds.

It’s even parody proof, as it’s so ridiculous to start with.

Revolt of the Zombies 1/5

Revolt of the Zombies

Quite dreadful movie from the 30s that has two redeeming features – it’s only an hour long, and it apparently features Bela Lugosi’s eyes (lifted from White Zombie). The script makes very little sense, the zombies are kind of hypnotised guys, and the melodrama is quite sickening.

Avoid.

Transylvania 6-5000 1/5

Transylvania 6-5000

Pretty bad comedy that has the writing to blame. The talent is here: Jeff Goldblum, Ed Begley Jr, Carol Kane, John Byner, that guy from Seinfeld, but the actual jokes fall flat. As the film proceeds, you get a whiff of desperation as they start cranking up the ‘whacky’ and ‘energetic’, but unfortunately this leads to no funny jokes.

The only really funny parts to me are the husband/wife pair played by Carol Kane and John Byner. Kane in particular has that manic glee that transcends this terrible mess, and she’s funny as hell (it reminded me of her psychotic fairy from Scrooged).

Give it a miss.

Iron Man & Hulk: Heroes United 1/5

Iron Man and Huk Heroes United

This was rather poor, but I admit I was kind of excited to see a Hulk/Iron Man pairing, so perhaps my expectations were too high. To break it down
– Good: a few (a very few) of the shots and action sequences were quite good. I liked seeing the Hulk wearing a little Iron Man armour.
– Bad: Quite shallow, childish script that really made this not suitable entertainment for anyone over, say, 13, but at the same time it seemed a little strong and full on for younger kids. The CG mostly looked very poor.
– Odd: A section where the guys had to fight off monsters that seemed to have nothing whatever to do with the main story. Yeah, watching the duo fight a pack of wendigos was cool, but made no narrative sense at all.

Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 1/5

Nightmare on Elm Street 2010

This was really quite poor. It had the flashy graphics, the beats, but it felt lifeless, characterless and pointless. I felt sorry for the actors, who did a sterling job with what they were given, but this really felt like a Michael-Bay-Directing-Transformers version of a horror movie. I wondered if they felt they were trapped in a nightmare during the making of this movie. The whole child molester angle was also quite tasteless as it recalled the behaviours of real-life child molesters, and made you feel uncomfortable.

It had two moments I liked, which helped break up the monotony. The part where one of the characters dies, and Freddy explains there is brain function 7 minutes after death, so he still has time to play… and the part where the parents are hunting Freddy down and he’s fleeing, which was quite good. It too often left me bored or slightly offended.

Still, not as completely terrible as ‘New Nightmare’ though.

Friday the 3th 5:A New Beginning 1/5

Friday the 3th 5:A New Beginning

wow this is rank. Every single character exists only to die in a usually cursory and unconvincing way, as they meander through dialogue that exists only to bridge the bodycount. Even the motivation of this new “Jason” is utterly ridiculous. A couple of the deaths had a little frisson, but that about it. The very beginning, with Corey Feldman, was maybe the only decent part.