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List of Reviews Available

Barbarella 3/5

Barbarella

This is archetypally 60s goofy fun. There’s a LOT of things wrong with it, such as the constant padding of the story and the absolutely terrible special effects, but you know what? It’s fun, it’s extremely creative in its look, art design and so on, and Jane Fonda is absolutely getting it. It also helps that Fonda is achingly beautiful and sexy, and it’s pretty much her central charismatic performance that allows this movie to deliver at all.

Rather wonderful, inheriting its spirit and art from early Flash Gordon and Planet of the Vampires, and itself becoming the spiritual parent of Battle Beyond the Stars, Starcrash and the 1980 Flash Gordon.

Great theme song too. All together now…’Bar-bar-ella, psy-che-delaaaa’

The Place Beyond the Pines 3.5/5

The Place Beyond the Pines

A rather overambitious movie that actually chops its 3 acts into 3 related, continuous but distinct stories, looking at fatherhood, and how absence and presence of a father (both literally, and absent by not paying attention) can affect the son, in a cycle. It’s a look at the whole ‘the children pay for the sins of the father’ type thing, I guess, but more subtle than that.

I liked it, but I think the first act works the best for me, and I’d’ve liked to have seen that through to a more satisfying conclusion, and the veering off into a new story threw me, but it actually worked well once you adjusted.

The third story, however, suffered from two problems. It really felt like an unresolved solution to what went before for the most part (but not wholly) was the first problem, and the actual personality/behaviour of one of the main characters felt quite hokey and just not earned or authentic to the story. We miss out some necessary dramatic glue, too, informing us about one of the father-son relationships, and how it got to be the way it was.

Having said all that, it was a very well made and acted movie, and I enjoyed it, and am glad I finally got around to watching it.

Land of the Lost 2.5/5

Land of the Lost

Very mildly amusing, and feels like you’re rushing through a much bigger story. Or seeing the edited highlights of a 6 hour miniseries. I guess they wanted to hit the main story points of the original TV series, but that’s just a guess.

However, it was kind of fun, if you have a high tolerance to a plot that snakes about wildly and doesn’t really settle. Also, the beginning and end segments, with Will Ferrell being interviewed as his character in a talk show, seemed more Ron Burgundy than this movie.

Hunter Prey 3/5

Hunter Prey

Rather enjoyable, cheap but competently made that mixes elements of the Star Trek episode Arena, Battlefield Earth (and I mean the story, not the rank filmmaking), and Enemy Mine in a blender and comes up with a pretty satisfying product. Very enjoyable.

Down Periscope 3/5

Down Periscope

Whilst this is a lightweight comedy/drama, I found it a very satisfying and fun watch, and even felt I learned something about crewing in a submarine. The cast was good, in particular the crew – even Rob Schneider was okay in it. Definitely worth a watch.

Lesbian Vampire Killers 2.5/5

Lesbian Vampire Killers

Passably entertaining and benefitting from some good cinematography and sound design, and some quite great-looking ladies, giving it an old Hammer vibe, it could definitely have been funnier, but James Corden and Paul McGann as a potty-mouthed vicar and a not-too-long running time make it a reasonable, lightweight diversion.

Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 4.5/5

Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Amazing debut from Guy Ritchie, who combines colourful characters and some dazzling camerawork with funny, highly-stylized dialogue. Even non-actors shine reasonably well in this (Lennie McLean and Vinnie Jones), and it’s cool to see some guys who I still enjoy seeing – specifically Jason Statham and Jason Flemyng – and whilst it does have rough spots and some sections that clearly have non actors in speaking roles, it trundles along nicely, guiding the viewer through the convoluted plot with a confident hand, and borrowing part from Tarantino’s snappy dialogue, part from an old British tradition of loveable rogues that stretch back to The Italian Job and on to old black and white comedy caper movies with Peter Sellers, Alistair Sim and Alec Guinness.

Marvellous.

Snatch 4.5/5

Snatch

Whilst Guy Ritchie’s directing career has been up and down (and I’m glad it’s now on the up, after his rather fine take on Sherlock Holmes), this reminds you why he deserves to still be in the game. Okay, there’s some overflashy visual flourishes, but we have a convoluted, multi-character story that sprawls all over, but Ritchie keeps is straight enough to follow, entertaining enough to keep you interested till the end, and shows us some rather good comedy-gangster monologues along the way.

THIS IS FUN.

Life Story 4/5

Life Story

The discovery of the structure of DNA by Watson and Crick…

I haven’t seen this since the first (and only?) time it was aired on the BBC, and there were whole scenes I remember quite distinctly. It takes the great tack of presenting the race to work out the structure of DNA as a dynamic detective story, which clever people trying to work out the puzzle from the patchy evidence.

What really makes it so watchable is Jeff Goldblum in his prime, acting like a hyperkinetic, goggle-eyed predatory bird, marvelling over evidence, harassing people at the oddest times, and drilling towards the truth as James Watson.

This is marvellous, and I give it 1/2 a star extra just because it’s so little seen, and should be seen by more people.

Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter 4/5

Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter

Made at the tail-end of the Hammer era of horror movies, this is a rip-roaring, swashbuckling horror movie, with Captain Kronos killing vampires with a Katana many years before Blade got to it, this is just a lot of fun. There’s whole new vampire mythology being made up in this one, with vampires coming in a lot of varieties and with distinct ways to kill them, and whilst the lead is a little uncharismatic (he looks like Bjorn Borg), it really cracks along at a fair pace, and is thoroughly entertaining. I think this guy was Hammer’s attempt to provide a hunk for the ladies maybe. Hammer were always good at providing attractive young ladies for guys to look at, and whilst Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are fantastic, they aren’t exactly hunk material for the ladies.

The central friendship between Kronos and Grost is also pretty good, with a few lines giving a decent feel for how much they mean to each other. I also liked the scenes involving the inn bullies, which I suspect was padding to fill out the time as it really didn’t connect with anything else, but were actually pretty good at illustrating what a badass Kronos was. The whole working out how to kill this species of vampire was cool too, and there were other nice imaginative touches to this (the time-freezing during the vampire attack; Kronos making the vampire self-hypnotise and freeze; the entire sword-fight).

Also, Kronos gets a little roughsex with Caroline Munro.

Deserves a remake.

Oh, and the gorgeous Caroline Munro is in it.

Oh, and Benedict Cumberbatch’s mum is in it too.

Oblivion – Odd One Out 051

3.5/5

Oblivion

A decent enough scifi actioner, but it does cram about 5 hours of story into 2 hours. It also suffers because it successfully conjures up other, better scifi movies. You can detect 2001, Moon, Wall-E, Planet of the Apes, Star Wars, Predator, and even the old TV series Terrahawks in there.

Remember to concentrate.

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Treasure Planet 2.5/5

Treasure Planet

A middling Disney effort, with some effective, if maybe a little jarring, mixing of traditional animation and CGI. It’s too long (15 less would have been better), but the main characters are well developed and charming, there’s some fun stuff for smaller kids, and the character development and story development build nicely.

Definitely not top tier Disney, but solid middle tier.

Stoker 4/5

Stoker

This is an outrageously good-looking film, and every scene has tantalising and enthralling composition. It engages and keeps your attention.

However…

The motivations and character development of the main focus of this story is just odd. I will avoid spoilers so I’ll not elaborate too much, but it jarred a little, and you had to have patience and acceptance of some pretty strange character development to really enjoy this film.

It nearly lost me, but it didn’t. I think mostly helped by the great performances.

Damn, it’s beautiful to look at.

Galaxy of Terror 2.5/5

Galaxy of Terror

Well, it’s really cheap, but nowhere near as bad as I was expecting, basically ripping off Alien and throwing in a good dose of Solaris as the driver for the mayhem. And some yucky alien-worm rape. However, to break it down:

The Good – some of the set design and ideas. Robert Englund!

The Bad – Not scary at all, blatant, poorly executed rip of Alien.

The Odd -Joanie from Happy Days acting all grown-up actress/nutty. Nutty ending. Alien worm/tentacle rape. It tries to get all existential at the end, which doesn’t fit the cheap and cheerful vibe.

Doghouse 3/5

Doghouse

Goofy horror movie that just about works. Some of it isn’t great – the dialogue is not good (it’s clichéd) but delivered with some gusto, and you can tell some of the scenes probably seemed much better on paper than was actually delivered, but there was some good stuff. The zombie/monster design and choreographed movement was pretty good, and it wasn’t just plain zombies, it was part-zombie, part-resident evil mutant, and part deadite. There was an obvious riff on the eyeball scene in Evil Dead 2 that involved a golf ball, and there were several well-set-up scenes.

Kevin Smith: Burn in Hell 3/5

Kevin Smith Burn in Hell

A Q and A with Kevin Smith of distinctly two halves. The first half (or more like, first hour) is pretty great, where he talks about his interaction with the Westboro Baptist Church, and the making of Red State. The last half hour is more to do with how he feels about art, his reasons for approaching movie making how he does now, and so on, and is nowhere near as entertaining. It is, however, from the heart.

Definitely worth seeing for that first hour, especially if you like Red State and/or other Kevin Smith Q and A’s.

Thor The Dark World 3/5

Thor The Dark World

A decent sequel to the impressive first one…and I say impressive, because it really shouldn’t have worked, Thor as a comic book character works, but I just couldn’t see how it could possibly work at a serious level when put to film…and Branagh achieved it, much helped by the acting chops of Anthony Hopkins and Tom Hiddleston.

Given the fine groundwork laid in the first one, this stays on that steady bedrock, and has a seriously intense (non-camp) villain, and brings back both Hopkins and Hiddlestone for a reasonably satisfying story. The ending got a little Man Of Steel, but overall, it was a well-put together, darker sequel that delivered.

Visit to a Small Planet 3/5

Visit to a small planet

Pretty good early Jerry Lewis movie, where there’s a distinct lack of mawkishness and plenty of goofy fun. The supporting cast is pretty good and energetic too, and there’s some nice touches, such as Jerry walking up a wall and across a ceiling, and some fun with a talking dog and cat.

charming.

Submarine 3/5

Submarine

Rather fine coming of age/emo drama that required a little patience to get used to during the first act, but actually quietly satisfying by the end.

Rather nice direction, sound, acting and script.

Caddyshack 4.5/5

Caddyshack

Superb comedy, so filled with gags and funny moments that it may just be the most rewatchable comedy ever.

Everyone’s really on form, from Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield and the fantastic Ted Knight.

When I watch this, I really try hard to disentangle the mighty nostalgia I had with it (this was a staple ‘watch a movie after the pub’ movie and I’ve seen it many, many times) for if it actually funny anyway, and I’ve concluded…nope, it’s not nostalgia, it’s just damned funny.

Gunga galoonga.

In The Loop 3.5/5

In The Loop

Rather fine comedy, and a successful transfer of the small-screen ‘the thick of it’ to a big screen version. It never really flags, and because it’s so fast and furious, it stays fresh for a rewatch.

Capaldi is brilliant in this.

National Lampoon’s Vacation 4/5

National Lampoon's Vacation

Very funny movie that started the Vacation series, which clearly peaked at Christmas Vacation.

The Griswalds are fully-developed characters from the off (well, Clark and Ellen anyway, the kids were always changing actors/ages), and it’s also fun to see Cousin Eddie also fully formed.

There are many laughs throughout, as mishap piles on mishap, and Chase starts acting crazy.

Great comedy writing from John Hughes, and great comedy direction from Harold Ramis.

Battle Beyond the Stars 3.5/5

Battle Beyond The Stars

Very fun scifi version of Seven Samurai from Roger Corman, with solid music, a decent script with witty touches (and a few laughs), and some thought and imagination showing through in the ship designs, different kinds of creatures that make up the seven, the android base, and so on.

It’s less coherent when it gets to the space battles, the effects are reasonable, but the choreography of the fighting is basic and gets a little tiresome.

Very enjoyable.

Uncle Buck 3.5/5

Uncle Buck

very solid John Hughes comedy, with an excellent turn by John Candy, and little Macaulay Culkin stealing scenes like there’s no tomorrow.

The only problem I had with the film was the casting of the parents. They seemed not great choices for these roles, and come across as entire blanks, just there for plot purposes only.

I really enjoyed the whole UB terrifying the pushy boyfriend, and the scene where he’s talking to the vice-principle and can’t focus on anything but the wart on her chin.

Very enjoyable watch though. And I like UB’s hat.

Stripes 3.5/5

Stripes

A film of three parts really, and the first part isn’t as funny as I remember it.

The first part is we get to see Bill Murray and Harold Ramis before they sign up. It’s a short segment, but I remember it being much more fun than it was, but this time watching, it felt a little forced and only intermittently funny.

The second part is the actual basic training – and things really shape up. This is the best section in the movie, and there’s lots of solid entertainment in this part. I particularly liked the passing-out ceremony with the drilling high jinx.

The third part is a rescue, and it’s decent enough, particularly the running joke with the border guards.

Overall enjoyable, Murry and Ramis are in great form, and the supporting cast is solid to great.

David Attenborough’s Natural History Museum Alive 3.5/5

Pretty solid documentary, where the incomparable David Attenborough lets you about the life histories of various exhibits that belongs to the National History Museum, London (a truly beautiful building, by the way).

They realise this by using CGI to animate the exhibits (as bones, or with fur/skin/feathers). It’s a good watch, and very, very kid-friendly.

Evil Roy Slade 3.5/5

Evil Roy Slade

This is, I think, one of the best TV movies ever made, definitely the best TV-movie comedy. John Astin is in fine form, cackling and grinning his way through the goofy action, and also in fine form is Mickey Rooney, Henry Gibson, Dom DeLuise, Milton Berle, Dick Shawn and the cute-as-a-button Pamela Austin.

There’s even some good songs (‘stubby index finger’, and the terrific Evil Roy Slade theme song), and it seems to be riffing on the Western genre and a Marx-brothers-like goofiness that isn’t a million miles away from Blazing Saddles.

Despite this being over 40 years old, the comedy still works very nicely.

Best line: “I learned a valuable lesson today. Never trust a pretty girl, or a lonely midget.”

Abby 3/5

Abby

This was a film of that was a distinct mix of good and bad (fittingly). Condemned to purgatory by legal threats from Warners about it being a ripoff of the Exorcist, it’s been hard to catch, and even now it’s only possibly in a terrible print.

It’s an interesting take on possession, and this time it’s about a Nigerian demon possessing a church-going, demur housewife who becomes sexually aggressive/rampant, and violent. So here’s the breakdown:

– Good: William Marshall is masterful; Carol Speed is pretty decent as Abby; the sound design is very effective in places, there was even one decent song in the middle of the movie playing as background.
– Bad: Rest of the cast. Even Austin Stoker, who went on to be pretty decent in Assault on Precinct 13, is bad. The direction, scene-setting is poor; the set design/budget is super-cheap, and whoever was involved didn’t have the talent or time to hide it.
– Odd: Why the hell was Warners threatened by this? Legal action seems ridiculous to me, and I’m guessing the makers of this movie didn’t have the financial clout to make a case (they’d have won against Warners imo).

Enjoyable, for a one-off watch.

Book Review: Rage by Stephen King (as Richard Bachman) 9/10

This is a fierce book. I can understand completely why King decided he didn’t want it in print any more…the reality that’s happened that echoes this book is too soon, it makes sense. But it’s too good a book to be lost, and I can see it being dissected and analysed in a hundred years’ time.

The think about this book, is that it confirms to what the very best King does…it rings absolutely pure and true of authenticity. King has a power to convey in words the feeling and mood that feels completely genuine, even when you know that, say, a high-school girl or boy would clearly never, in a million years, say some of the things King puts in their mouths.

Yet King’s writing transcends the need for authentic dialogue by replacing it with authentic mood and the essence of a situation. When he talks about specific things, he has an ability to plug into the mainline of human experience.

King, at his best, is truth. This book, while it’s become a precognitive echo of how things have turned out, conveys something of the horrible, complex truth of certain states of mind.

It’s a shame that to some people ‘King’ equates to ‘hack’. To me, he equates to ‘truthsayer’, and the truth is there, no matter how fantastic the material.